Nothing resonates with hearts of today’s brides and grooms like personalized wedding services. More and more, we see personalized touches everywhere— from hand-painted wedding flowers on custom invitations to designer welcome bags and place settings with the most exquisite calligraphy. Of all the ways to personalize a wedding, nothing could be more personal than writing your own wedding vows.
A union is created with words and wedding vows, insists Laura of The Paris Officiant, “are the heart and climax of every wedding ceremony.” But how do you pull off personal vows with style and grace? How do you write clear, beautiful vows that contain real promises and elicit real emotion? How do you make those vows sparkling, sincere—and not the least bit sappy? We promise those perfect-for-you vows are just within reach, and we might just make you fall in love with the writing process, with the help of some very talented wedding insiders who have all the best tips!
Photography | Sophie Epton
1. Decide If Personal Vows Are Right For You
As with any other wedding-related decision, the decision to write your own vows is something you must come to personally. You will likely know, deep down, if personal vows are right for you simply because you have a strong desire to write them. But if you aren’t feeling so settled in your choice, look to other areas of your life for affirmation. Ask yourself, do you have a powerful response to poetry and literature? Do you love to write and receive letters? Do you feel your best when you are creatively or personally expressed? Writing your vows should feel like a natural extension of who you are. And if you are wondering how personal vows will influence your ceremony, know that it will only be for the sweeter: “Self-written vows make the ceremony more personal, emotional, and genuine,” reflects Laura of The Paris Officiant. “Choosing your own words for your personal promises and saying them out loud can make the commitment feel more thought-through, deliberate, and stronger.”
Photography | Lauren Fair Photography
2. Ask For a Blessing
Before you give yourself over to the writing process, know that you may first need to obtain a blessing from your officiant and/or your church. Some faith practices disallow the use of personal vows and expressions; others will require that you recite the vows traditional to your faith practice prior to saying your own.
If it is necessary to say traditional vows, but you still long for a more personal form of expression, Julie of Elysium Productions has a beautiful idea for you! Know that “you can always [say] your own private vows to each other during your first look or after the ceremony in some quick alone time!” promises Hill. In addition to enhancing your wedding day experience, these intimate moments lend themselves to being beautifully captured on camera and film.
Photography | Lauren Fair Photography
3. Establish Framework
Once you have decided to write your personal vows, you may want to have a discussion with your partner. Take the time to talk about the planned length, format, tone, and scope of your vows. While you will likely want to keep the details of your vows private, you may find it helpful to establish a common framework, and set a shared tone for the vows. You’ll be spared the embarrassment of writing vows that just don’t vibe—imagine, for instance, if you recited selections from Whitman and your fiancé told jokes for three minutes. We mean.
If you can’t bear the thought of discussing your vows with your partner, but still want them to feel complementary, know that you can turn to your officiant for support. “I understand if the couple has the wish that their vows are not too different,” empathizes Laura of The Paris Officiant, “and I am happy to help with that in case they want to keep their vows a secret.”
Photography | Erich McVey
4. Create A Beautiful Writing Process
Once you’ve done a bit of research, fully embrace the creative process, and make that process beautiful. Go somewhere where you can retreat. Light a candle. Pour a glass. Play a bit of classical. Set a gentle, creative mood. It’s so easy to feel pressured to write ‘perfectly,’but there’s no room for anxiety in your creative process. With your essential oils diffusing and your cool-girl playlist on, you’ll be able to write from a relaxed state. You’ve got this.
In this reflective space, you get to be nostalgic as you like, and you can let your mind drift to dreams of the future. Laura of The Paris Officiant echoes this need for a safe and non-critical creative space; “start with a very free brainstorming,” Laura urges, “and write down everything that comes to your mind—without judgement.” Reflective analysis can and will come later; for now, free yourself from self-critique. Relax and allow your expression. View this time as a kind of luxury—a chance to let go of wedding planning (and other) stresses and simply connect.
Photography | Kate Holstein
5. Take Time
Now that you’ve dedicated time to your writing, it’s time to walk away. Give your ideas time to rest. Take a walk, or take a weekend. Once you’ve finished your first draft, “put it aside for a few days,” encourages Laura of The Paris Officiant, “Then read your draft once more with a bit of distance to see if that’s really what you wanted to say.” Know that the time you take off isn’t wasteful; you will return to your writing refreshed, with a renewed sense of clarity and a deepened understanding of what you want to say.
Photography | Rebecca Yale Vow Book | Wedding Story Writer
6. Look to Literature
In one of our favorite- ever onscreen wedding scenes—from the movie Love Story— Ali MacGraw’s Jenny Cavalleri and Ryan O’Neal’s Oliver Barrett say some stunningly personal vows. Jenny recites a sonnet from Elizabeth Barrett Browning—with the hauntingly beautiful opening lines, “When our two souls”—and Oliver responds with a passage from Walt Whitman’s “Song of the Open Road” that ends with question– really an invitation– “Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?” The silence that follows is dear—as though no one wants to intrude on the moment with words of their own. It was an iconic movie moment, notable for its restraint; while we usually think of weddings in terms of visual beauty, this was an instance where the vows—and really, only the vows—mattered.
When it comes to writing your vows, look to literature. Steep yourself in poetry. Leave behind the usual choices (unless they are your favorites) and seek out rare poems, passages, and authors. Poetry is intimate and, when read well, creates a powerful moment that transcends the couple and reaches out to include the audience.
Photography | Lance Nicoll
7. Read Old Letters
If you have kept a journal over the course of your relationship, mine it for treasures! Look back on pivotal moments and memories. Read prayers that you may have written for your husband or wife. You won’t want to isolate your audience with too-personal details, but do use elements of your experience. That experience belongs to you and only you, and therein lies its beauty.
Photography | Esther Funk Photography
8. Say a Blessing
Instead of trying to summarize your love story, consider writing your vows in the form of a blessing. There is something so powerful about offering up a prayer and speaking a blessing over your union, in the presence of many witnesses. Consider the power of a spoken blessing as you read these words written by John O’Donohue:
“Though the words are intoned on a particular day on a special occasion, the light of the blessing reaches towards them from eternal time where memory and future live within one circle. The blessing of the journey already knows more about the journey than the new couple do… all beginning risks the unknown; a blessing was intended to be a shelter of light around the pilgrim and place. A blessing brightens the road; the heart is no longer completely vulnerable to the dark.”
Photography | Meiwan Wang
9. Speak About the Trials
Nothing grows love and intimacy like adversity. As you write your vows, don’t be afraid to reflect on the hard things you have walked through—together or separately. Few things you write can be truer. The deeper the sorrow, the greater the joy there is to be had—and you will be feeling that so completely when you arrive at your wedding day. Express what it means to have made it through pain to this moment of healing, beauty, and union.
Photography: Mallory Dawn Photography
10. Incorporate Your Faith And/Or Cultural Heritage
Your love story, while wonderful in its own right, is delicately interwoven with so many other aspects of your personhood. As you write your vows, consider ways to infuse elements of your faith and/or cultural heritage into your vows. Many couples, notes Montorio, “incorporate Bible quotes or a prayer or words in a different language or a saying/proverb from their cultural background into their vows” and these inclusions add richness, texture, and context to their vows and the promises they make.
Photography: Laura Gordon Photography
As you research your ancestry and background, you could take the opportunity to connect with family. Have tea and share stories with a grandmother or great-aunt. You just might find a pearl– a story, a tradition, or lesson from your faith. Place it with loving care into your vows– it will be a sweet tribute to the love and legacy that formed you.
Photography | Erich McVey
11. Remember Your ‘Why’
If you find yourself struggling to write your vows, just look to your everyday life; endless inspiration waits there. Think of the person you love, and what his or her presence means to you on a normal day. If you need a reminder, be intentional about spending a little time together. Go on a walk, or out to dinner, or if you are lucky, take a little trip. Simply delight in being in each another’s presence. Notice the little things—the way he smiles when he spots you in a crowd, or, in the words of a favorite poet, “the way her hands dismantled bread.” You don’t have to look far for inspiration; you have everything you need, in the here and now.
Photography | Lauren Balingit
12. Familiarize Yourself
Give your vows the gift of your preparation. Practicing your vows will give you peace of mind and calm a case of wedding-day nerves. Memorization is optional (just be sure and keep a vow book with you just in case!) but familiarization is non-negotiable. You want to be able, at certain points in your vows, to look up from your vow book and speak directly to your partner. To lock eyes. To speak to the soul. These promises should feel innate, and if you spend time getting acquainted with them, they will.
Photography | Lauren Fair Photography
13. Feel It All
…But don’t think you have to stay on script and prevent any breaks of emotion. Laura of The Paris Officiant encourages brides and grooms to feel whatever emotions rise as they say their vows: “Don’t be scared to get emotional and show your feelings,” she says reassuringly, “Nobody expects you to stay cool and composed on your wedding day.” Your emotional response will doubtless touch others as well; though she has presided over countless ceremonies, Laura feels that “[e]very self-written personal wedding vow is unique and special.” She adds, “I often find myself tearing up when my couples read their vows because I feel their words come directly from their hearts.”
Photography | Erich McVey
14. Prioritize Emotions AND Visuals
When most of us plan our weddings, we are consumed with the visual. We plan tables, linens, florals, and décor with painstaking care. But what if, throughout the planning process, we brought just as much thoughtful attention to the emotions and intentions surrounding the wedding day? Before the wedding, reflects Julie of Elysium Productions, “it is all about the visuals for the couple,” but afterwards “it is all about the experience…. and that’s where those personal vows come in… while the visual things are great, they go away as soon as the event is over and all that is left is the memory of the experience.”
In every wedding she officiates, Laura of The Paris Officiant also recognizes this dance between the visual and the intangible. But words alone, she notes, have the power to transform: “A wedding above all means pronouncing promises which make a couple step over a threshold. This happens during a wedding ceremony. Before the ceremony they are a couple, lovers, friends… after the ceremony they are husband and wife. This transformation happens through words, meaning, and emotion.”
Photo Courtesy of Emily Mayne Studio
15. Keep Forever
Finally, if you really want to create vows that last forever, consider how to preserve them. If you have commissioned a fine art stationer to create a custom illustration, then consider having your wedding artwork printed on a beautiful vow book or stationery. Emily of Emily Mayne Studio can envision her custom artwork—for instance, an “elaborate and elegant botanical motif that highlights [the couple’s] wedding flowers”—printed on a hardcover vow book or exquisite stationery. Using custom artwork for multiple purposes like the vow book “not only creates a cohesive and intentional design throughout your wedding day, but the pieces I create are designed to be opened and appreciated just as much tomorrow as they will be years from now when you’re sharing your wedding with your children.” This artwork transcends the wedding day and can become a fixture in your lives—and your children’s lives (just imagine your someday daughters playing ‘wedding’ dress-up and asking to see your vow book.) “[W]hat a tangible way to not only share artwork with the bride and groom’s family and friends, but to also create a lasting keepsake for years to come,” says Emily—and we couldn’t agree more.
Photography | Joey Kennedy
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